Part IV: Fiasco

What follows is my experience attempting to resolve a problem through HP technical support and customer service. Individually, the following 13 interactions comprise a series of petty inconveniences. Taken together, however, they form a clear indication of a company that (a) seriously neglects any notion of customer service, (b) engages in the practice of selling fraudulent warranties, and (c) systematically lies to its customers. Whether this is done maliciously or through general incompetence remains unknown. Again, note this is the second time the laptop has failed.

November 20, 7:48 P.M. -- Tech Support
After a respectable 17 minutes on hold I speak with the first of many Indian tech support reps. The connection is poor, but we're each able to understand each other with few problems. I begin explaining my dead display woes. I don't get far before he interrupts and begins reading from a script that the laptop is out of warranty, and any and all repairs HP performs will be at my expense. I am not expecting this, but proceed to give him the order number and date that I purchased and registered a 1-year warranty. January 2006 - 10 months ago. This is when I hear the first of what is to become a standard mantra at HP "there is nothing I can do, you need to call ___." Apparently, I need to call HP Registration Services but, alas, they are only open from 9-5. Not wanting to wait until morning, I'm still thinking this can be an easy fix, so I ask to be transferred to customer service. After 12 minutes on hold, I hear "Gracias por llamar "—Wait, did I push the wrong button?! Is this customer service? No, apparently I've been transferred to Spanish printer tech support. Hola! Not off to the best start, I resign to try again in the morning.


November 21, 8:12 A.M. -- Tech Support
After a google search I find out just how common the Black Screen of Death is with the zd7000 laptop. Multiple forums and tech sites include posts of customers struggling with the same problem. Unsubstantiated reports also state that the problem is so widespread and constitutes such a serious design flaw that a class action lawsuit is proceeding against HP in Northern California regarding zd7000 screen failures. Users are also posting that HP has sent out a "global alert" that states HP will repair any out-of-warranty zd7000 display issue free of charge.
It's not yet 9 o'clock, so thinking I can bypass the warranty issue and get this thing fixed, I try tech support again. Another poor connection to India, this time speaking with "Joe," and again I hear that out-of-warranty laptops will not be repaired, etc. I ask if HP is now repairing zd7000 screen issues due to any company wide alerts? Not that he knows of. Any acknowledgment of design flaws resulting in motherboards overheating? He's never heard of any. Are a lot of people having this problem with this laptop? Not that he knows of. How much would it cost to fix? $750. Am I just unlucky that I've had screen problems twice, whereas no one else ever has? "Joe"'s got nothing. I ask to speak to a supervisor. "Joe" puts me on hold for awhile then comes back with two pieces of information. 1) I can't speak with a supervisor; they're all busy. 2) The supervisor did authorize "Joe" to fix the laptop for the new lower price of $290.
Hmmm, I've just saved over four hundred dollars by simply asking to speak with a supervisor. I have no idea how they arrived at this new number, or even that you could barter with tech support people. My heart weeps for overcharged, confused grandmothers everywhere. Thanks, but no thanks.


November 21, 9:12 A.M. -- Registration Warranty
After a brisk 19 minute wait I'm on the phone with HP Registration & Warranty Services speaking with a North American rep this time. I explain that I'm having trouble with my warranty and give her the original order number and case number. This is when she says "uh-oh". Not what someone hopes to hear when speaking to a company rep, but she politely explains that the extended warranty I was sold and registered was actually expired from the moment I purchased it. The $100 warranty I purchased in January was nothing more than a donation to HP. If only for the laptop failing again, I would have remained blissfully unaware of any of this.
The rep explains to me that the 1-year warranty began on the original date of the laptop purchase (11/2004), not the date the warranty was purchased (1/2006). That all makes perfect sense, but is quite the opposite of what I was told back in January. She agrees that the rep who sold me the warranty was "mistaken" and HP should not be in the business of registering expired warranties. Fair enough, a service rep was mistaken, or as I like to say, he lied, but what can we do to fix this? She says I have the option to return the 1-year warranty and purchase a 3-year warranty, which presumably will not be expired. All this sounds easy enough - then I hear it again - there's nothing she can actually do, I need to call customer service (and no, she can't transfer me). I ask her to write what she just told me into the notes section, which is linked to my case number and she agrees. The solution seems so close, we have a plan, no fiascoes in sight.


November 21, 9:31 A.M. -- Customer Service
Back to customer service, another sullen rep, Shelley. Why do they never say "Good morning", or even "How are you?" I explain the situation to Shelley and ask that she look in the notes area to see what the women from the warranty department wrote. But of course the warranty woman didn't write any notes. And then out it comes "There's nothing I can do." Apparently, I need to speak with Warranty and Registration. I inform Shelley that I just got off the phone with W&R and they told me to call you. Well, Shelley has a secret phone number that is better than the one I already tried. Off I go to try this magical new number.


November 21, 12:45 P.M. -- Secret Registration and Warranty?
Another let down. The secret number turns out to be the same number I already called, but starts with 866 instead of 800. This time I'm speaking with a heavily-accented Indian woman. I ask her to refund my original warranty and sign me up for the 3 year. Apparently, this is within her power and she begins asking me for various order numbers and serial numbers. The connection is poor, and I find myself needing her to repeat herself. But everything is going fine, until she asks me for my "P-N", or "D-N." This quickly devolves into an Abbot and Costello routine from hell. Back and forth:
"What is your PEE-INN sir?"
"PEE-INN?"
"Yes, DEE-INN"
"I don't know what a DEE-INN is?"
"I need your PEE-INN sir"
"Just stop for a second, are you saying P-N or D-N?"
"I need the PEE-INN, P as in Packard!"
"Ok, PEE-INN"
"YES, DEE-INN..."
"Why are you torturing me!!!" Nearly reduced to tears of frustration, I contemplate if this is some sick, twisted Customer Service game or what. I plead to just be transferred to someone, anyone, else. She refuses, stating she is almost done. We both finally agree to give up, and she continues asking me the same questions I'd been answering all day. Only this time she asks me for my Product Number, which happens to start with the letters "D" and "N". The mystery of PEE-INN, DEE-INN is solved! She didn't seem to appreciate when I suggested next time instead of yelling "PEE-INN!" at people, to instead ask for a "Product Number".
All in all, I've been on the line with "P/N-D/N" for 37 minutes and I have no idea what she did. The connection was terrible and I'm only catching at most a quarter of what she says. I'm constantly having to ask her to slowly repeat what she said. I'm not sure who is more frustrated at this point. She says she needs to transfer me to another department to finalize my order.

November 21, 1:52 P.M. -- Secret Registration and Warranty II
I'm put on hold for 43 minutes (punishment?) to endure white noise Muzak and patently false, recorded, inane HP corporate platitudes. ("HP, your one stop shopping experience!") Then a young Indian man is on the other line. He is obviously in training, as he has a habit of punctuating his script and filling pauses with a lot of "uhh's" and "likes". I'm imagining an Indian version of Eddie Furlong from Terminator 2.
There is one thing I do notice right away though—something that has been confirmed with all overseas HP customer service reps. The older the rep, the heavier the accent. This kid definitely has an accent, but it sounds absolutely more Americanized. Fact: India has been a major source of outsourced labor since 1992 and the outsourcing industry now generates over 23 billion dollars for India. People smarter and more articulate than this blogger have weighed in on issues of preserving national identity in the face of globalization. It is my suspicion, however, that outsourcing has created a whole new generation of Beavis & Buttheads, which only adds to the depressing nature of the situation.
Anyway, I give "Eddie" my credit card info, he charges me for a 3-year warranty, and says I'll have it in 5-7 business days. Considering the current state of the laptop, this seems like a long time to wait. Can't he just register it now? There's nothing he can do. I ask to speak with a supervisor and now he says he can register it right then. Just so there is no misunderstanding, I ask him as simply as possible, whether if I hang up and call tech support, they'll recognize a registered 3-year warranty. He assures me, yes they will.

November 21, 6:32 P.M. -- Tech Support
Back to Tech Support with my newly registered extended warranty. Whoops, sorry that warranty is not registered. Lo and behold, when the young Indian trainee unequivocally said that yes, he had indeed registered the 3-year warranty right then and there, he was just mistaken! And to spice things up a little, this time, when I ask to be transferred back to customer service I wait 17 minutes and get printer tech support. Though this time it's not the Spanish version.

November 21, 7:12 P.M. -- Customer Service
Something about "P/N-D/N" still just wasn't sitting right with me. Did she really process my return for the 1-year warranty? I call Customer Service to confirm and not surprisingly no records for any return exist. I'd like to give "P/N-D/N" the benefit of the doubt...could something have gotten lost in the translation? Was she just mistaken? Or was she simply lying? The mystery deepens.


November 21, 11:33 P.M. -- Customer Service
Later that night, apparently in a masochistic mood, I try Customer Service one more time. The customer service gods must have been smiling, as I'm connected to the nicest representative I've heard in a long time. She seems genuinely interested in what I've been going through and expresses outrage at the series of "mistakes" made by service reps. She's dumbfounded as to why I was told the warranty was registered when it obviously wasn't, and was incredulous that HP would sell an expired warranty in the first place. She tracks the service package and lets me know I should receive it the next day, not 5-7 business days. She even has an ingenious solution to HP's habit of shifting responsibility from department to department - assign one rep to each case, so you can speak with same individual every time. This genius of a woman should be promoted posthaste. Lastly, as if everything she's done wasn't already enough, she proceeds to apologize on behalf of HP.
Rather than making me feel better though, the stark contrast between her and everyone else just makes it all the more depressing. I start thinking that she is like the one friendly HP customer service rep in this whole terrible company, and all her sullen coworkers make fun of her for it. If anyone from HP ever reads this, be proud of this woman.


November 22, 11:35 A.M. -- Package arrives
The 3-year extended warranty arrives, but I am unable to register it online.


November 22, 10:49 P.M. -- Customer Service
I'm speaking with standard issue patronizing customer service rep, Rick. I find myself sounding tired trying to recap the situation. Customer Service Hell is a mentally and physically exhausting place. I know it sounds dramatic, but at the time it felt very real. After several minutes on hold, Rick returns with "You're not going to like this." The 3-year warranty is invalid. Extended service plans cannot be purchased after the year anniversary of original computer purchase. But wait‚ he at least has a solution. Unfortunately it is refunding the 3-year warranty and sending me on my way. Unacceptable. We both sound relieved when the inevitable supervisor comes on the line.
Right away I can tell Sara, the supervisor, is going to be a problem. As soon as she comes on, she's spitting fire. It takes about 30 seconds before I hear it "Sir, there's nothing I can do." She doesn't care that the Indian Eddie Furlong sold me a 3-year warranty the day before. That's his problem and mine. The rules state that you can't buy a warranty past a year from purchase date, and she's sticking to it. No matter that HP has already proven that rule wrong twice. I'm just going to have call to call some other department, because there's nothing she can do, no accountability here. Apparently, HP can make a faulty product and sell fraudulent warranties, all of which Sara acknowledges, but she won't offer any solutions aside from me going away. Exhausted, I try to get Sara to add her confirmation that HP has lied to me repeatedly to my case notes, but sadly, as if to make her unofficial slogan more official, she says she's only going to add that there was nothing she could do.
Requests to speak to her supervisor are refused. She actually seems pretty angry at this point, pursed lips and everything. She says she is the highest person I'm going to speak to. (While it is true that resignations, firings, felony charges and now jail time are standard occurrences for HP's chief officers, I refuse to believe that Sara is the highest rung on that corporate ladder I can get to.)
Is this really the best HP has?
I give up and she says something along the lines of "Is there anything else I can help you with tonight?" I reply that she hasn't been at all helpful and she will continue to be unhelpful. A lame line to be sure, but it felt good.

Next Step?
Any suggestions regarding my next step would be greatly appreciated. I despise calling these liars, so all future correspondence would need to have a written record. But, who should I write to? Who's attention do I need to get? I hope to come to an amicable solution, but with this disfunctional company that seems less and less likely to happen.
Thanks for reading.


A final word on opportunity costs: True, HP is saving money by outsourcing their technical support, neglecting customer service, refusing to repair lemon laptops, and selling what can only generously be described as fake warranties. But does there come a point when the money saved is less than the money lost? Is A + B ever less than C? For instance, if I decide to never purchase another HP laptop, HP just lost $2000. And that's only the first purchase in a long line of possible future purchases. If I strongly urge my girlfriend to not buy HP products, and she listens to me and continues to show brand loyalty to Apple computers because they don't fail in the first five months. How much of a loss is that to HP? And what if the office is considering buying an HP workstation, but I recount my experiences here and we decide to continue to purchase Dell because we've never been lied to by a Dell customer service rep. Or if this humble blogger pretty much creates a blog for the sole damn purpose of hoping others avoid purchasing any product with an "HP" on it, to prevent a similar hassle from befalling them, just how much can I influence anyone else's pre-purchase decision? Not at all? Maybe a little? Simply put, how much will it cost Hewlett Packard to receive negative word of mouth reviews from me for the rest of my life? More than it would cost them to honor my 200 hundred dollar warranty?